The Cat’s Rule Book – Rules 1 to 5

Essential reading for any feline who is thinking of adopting a human.

Rule #1
Humans seem to spend far too much time indoors. This is a shame as nature is a wonderful thing. In order to show them what they are missing you must attempt to bring as much of it in to the house as possible. This can include birds, mice, rates, rabbits, grass snakes, leaves, butterflies and combinations thereof. Snacking on these items and therefore leaving only partial exhibits, is perfectly acceptable.

Rule #2
Humans own dogs. Cats are more intelligent and cannot be owned. Moreover cats actually own the humans they choose to live with. Humans also claim to own everything inside the house. Ergo we cats own everything in the house – including the dog.

Rule #3
A human does not possess the same balance, reaction time and agility of a cat. In order to help them improve these skills, wait until they are carrying some kind of heavy object then walk approximately 2 steps in front of them. If the object contains fluid (hot) then this is even better.  Randomly changing direction as well as employing the ‘pause-move-pause’ technique, will enhance your human’s agility considerably.

Rule #4
As a human furnishes their home it is important that all carpets and fabrics are tested for their ability to be cleaned. No cat or human should live in a dirty home. To help your human test the suitability of fabrics and furnishings, you should periodically regurgitate stomach contents on to said fabrics. If, after various treatments and 5 days of scrubbing, there is still some form of stain or residue remaining then you may deem the fabric unsuitable.

Rule #5
Your home is to be used for sleeping, eating and various other worthwhile activities.  However, when you require a place in which to enter in to deep and meaningful thought, there is no better place than a doorway. You will find that humans will even open the door for you so that you may stand there in contemplation with fresh air to aid your thought process. Freezing cold air will provide optimum ability to think about things.