Humans do not possess a warm fur coat as we do. Therefore it is vital that all body extremities remain covered when the weather gets colder. For example, in the middle of a Winter’s night you must be alert and watch for fingers and toes that may protrude from under the human’s bedding cover. Remind them that this could be dangerous by employing teeth, claws or both on said exposed extremities.
As humans age they are renowned for failing memory. Therefore if you think of something important to say in the middle of the night you must immediately wake your human and convey your message to them. This ensures that your message enters their brain when it is at its most relaxed and will therefore stand a better chance of being recalled the following morning. Your human may resist in which case employ some tried and tested methods to wake them. These include guttural wailing, the use of paws, claws, teeth and tongue. If all these fail, simply throw up.
Cats have four perfectly good legs and were not designed to leave the surface of Earth unless under their own power. Humans will often produce a device called a ‘Carry Box’ which conflicts with this principle. When such a device is produced you should set your stealth adaptive camouflage to Maximum and melt in to the fabric of the house to avoid detection. In the event that you are detected, one of the most effective policies to avoid insertion in to the carry box is to splay out all 4 limbs and make them as straight and rigid as possible. Should any attempt be made to alter the status of a limb, biting, clawing and hissing are all acceptable actions. Upon breaking free, reset Stealth mode to Maximum and vanish.
Cats are noble creatures and not here for the amusement of humans. If you are engaging in some task or find yourself in a particular pose or predicament which induces laughter and/or ridicule, wait until you hear certain trigger words such as ‘photo’ or ‘camera’ and then vanish.
Cats are intelligent and innovative creatures who enjoy simple pleasures. Humans simply do not realise this and will on occasion return home and present you with various large scratching posts and other ‘entertaining’ equipment. In order to show your human that your needs are quite simple you should simply occupy the boxes the equipment came in.