Grumpy Old Cat Man > Musings & Rants > The Cat’s Rule Book – Rules 11 to 15

The Cat’s Rule Book – Rules 11 to 15

Posted on by Terry

Rule #11
Humans are very poor hunters. On occasion they will dangle various items in front of you such as toy mice, feathers and objects attached to string. This is a signal that they wish to learn from your finely honed hunting expertise. Demonstrate your hunting skills and killer instinct for them until you think that they might have actually learned something. When you feel that you have achieved your goal, simply walk away and leave your human to play on their own.

Rule #12
Dogs are vile creatures and do unspeakable things with their own vomit. Humans are rather strange in this respect too. Generally they will regurgitate into a toilet bowl and then stare at their output. While doing this they then start calling for someone called ‘Oh God’ who only makes them regurgitate even more. Cats are much cleaner creatures so if you feel the need to regurgitate, make sure you walk backwards away from the offending material at the same time it leaves your body. Repeat for every subsequent regurgitation carried out in other parts of the house.

Rule #13
It is vital that a cat’s digestive system should be kept in tip top condition. A good human should constantly monitor your needs and internal wellbeing. When you feel that they have become distracted and are not paying enough attention to you, simply move to the designated indoor latrine area and evacuate your bowels. This will sharpen your human’s focus in no time at all. For optimum focus you should perform this activity as soon as strangers or guests enter the house, when your human is engaged in some form of romantic activity or they are about to eat.

Rule #14
Some humans insist on filling our homes with various forms of greenery and vegetation. In general we felines do not like such things. You should demonstrate this fact to your human by digesting then regurgitating some/all of such items. Reinforce this statement regularly by eating grass and regurgitating it on to a suitable surface. There seems to be a correlation between how effectively this message is received and the cost of the fabric/item you choose to vomit on. At present this is still a theory and needs a great deal of further testing.

Rule #15
A certain amount of interaction with your human is beneficial to both parties. This interaction can range from a simple cuddle to gentle stroking and ultimately a gentle rubbing of the stomach. Signal your desire to stop such an activity by clamping teeth and all available claws in to the human’s fist and forearm. Do not let go until they have agreed to leave you in peace or they require urgent medical attention.