The Cat’s Rule Book – Rules 16 to 20

Rule #16
It is well known that humans undergo various forms of treatments, analysis and mental therapy. Thoughtfully humans now recognise the need for any cat to also fully express itself in a safe and controlled environment. Anger, rage, contempt and even manic behaviour can all be fully and safely expressed in these special areas known as ‘Veterinary Surgeries’. It is essential not to be interrupted while expression is taking place, so if a man or woman in a white coat tries to stop you mid-episode then violence is an acceptable response.

Rule #17
When making your way around your home, it is important to take different routes so as to help promote your health and agility. Humans are useful in this respect as they provide suspended walkways  or ‘shelves’ for cats to use. Unfortunately you may find that your human becomes forgetful of your need for a clear walkway and various objects will appear on said shelves. Simply push these objects aside, preferably on to the floor below.

Rule #18
Humans will often want to demonstrate some particular trait or habit you may have, for the amusement of other humans. Upon the command to execute the procedure in question, simply walk away and show utter contempt. A sharp flick of your tail is a perfect way to demonstrate this emotion.

Rule #19
Each November/December, humans place small trees in their homes and decorate them with lots of glittery things. It is your duty to check these articles for hidden threats and general stability. If you are mid-inspection and it becomes obvious that the tree is unstable, it is best to leap from the tree and get to a safe distance. If you manage to complete your inspection and reach the top of the tree, inform your human of your success  by simply calling loudly until they acknowledge your efforts and retrieve you.

Rule #20
Dogs are not clean creatures. They greet each other by sniffing rectal areas. It is therefore imperative that a dog’s nose should be avoided. Here are 3 easy steps for you to follow should a snout come your way –
1. Extend the claws of one or both front paws.
2. Insert claws into dog’s nose with a Ninja strike.
3. Repeat step # 2 as required i.e. if dog is particularly stupid.
4. Wait for dog’s inevitable retreat.
5. From then on, look at the dog with an air of unwavering superiority.