The Cat’s Rule Book – Rules 21 to 25

Rule #21
In general, we cats enjoy a degree of variety in our diets. Some humans have difficulty in understanding this. Therefore, if you are offered the same flavour of food more than once in any given week, sniff the food to confirm your suspicions and then walk away. It is customary to employ a dismissive flick of the tail at this point.

Rule #22
Sleep is VERY important to a cat. As you know, it provides us with meditation time and gives us the opportunity to ponder on the great mysteries of life. To the untrained human eye, these periods of extremely deep thought can be mistaken for a cat being bereft of life. Should your human foolishly decide to interrupt your inner calm by prodding you with a finger, it is acceptable to remove that finger from their hand. However, if the offending finger is used in your feeding process, simply attach yourself to your human’s face instead. 

Rule #23
There may be occasions when your human has been instructed to administer you with something called ‘medication’. Medication is evil and comes in various forms. Here are some examples for you along with appropriate actions

  • Powders/liquids. Usually mixed in with your food. Easy to spot. Walk away briskly.
  • Pills (Crushed in to food). See above.
  • Pills (whole).  Be wary if your human is suddenly unusually nice to you and approaches with a towel in hand. Extend all available claws and clench jaw shut as firmly as possible. Wriggle front paws clear of towel restrictor and apply claws to hand attempting to open your jaw. Move head side-to-side vigorously. Apply claws to hands in a slashing motion.  If your resistance is overcome and the pill is inserted in to your mouth, allow human to rub your throat with bloodied hand and remain calm. Wait for towel to be removed, move at least 10 feet from your human, spit out pill.
  • Ear drops. Wait until application has finished, move next to light coloured wall or door. Shake head violently.

Rule #24
Dogs try to gain favour by returning to their human the moment they are called. Your human needs to understand that the same behaviour cannot be expected of cats. We have territory to explore and maintain and we also spend a lot of time thinking deeply about all manner of subjects. Dogs just catch things and lick their genitals.

If you are patrolling your kingdom or have entered in to a state of Zen, you should register your human’s desire for you to return and come back to it later. It is acceptable for patrolling or meditation to be accelerated if the scent of tuna can be detected. Remember also that the warmth of welcome and amount of tuna offered will increase with time spent absent.

Rule #25
For some strange reason, not all humans like us cats. If your human should invite someone in to your home who has this mind-set, you should take every opportunity to find out exactly why they feel that way.

Start by jumping up on to their lap or the arm of their chair and staring at them intensely until they provide an answer. If removed from your position, allow a small interlude then return. Should the guest visit the bathroom during their visit, it would be an ideal time to speak with them one-to-one so endeavour to paw your way in to the bathroom through the base of the door. Failing that, sit outside and wail your questions to them at maximum volume.