Where The Sun Don’t Shine

I was recently ‘invited’ by the local NHS to have my lower bowel screened for cancer in a fortnight’s time. Thankfully the invite did not include a ‘plus one.’ Dear Reader, I apologise now if you’re eating. In order to prepare myself on the day of glory, I have to give myself an enema and I had great pleasure in receiving my enema kit in the mail yesterday. This isn’t something I’ve done before so I will be relying heavily on the enclosed Instructions. The following text is directed at the idiot who wrote them.

I have a number of issues with the Instructions and feel that they could be re-written in places to better reflect real life. My first issue is with the instruction ‘You may wish to coat the enema nozzle with Vaseline or cooking oil.’ Two things here. Speaking as an Honours graduate in Statistics, I have studied all manner of probability distributions, models and analysis techniques in my time. Bearing in mind that you are referring to inserting a long dry object up my rectal rose garden, I feel that I am well qualified in requesting that you remove the word ‘may’ from your opening remark as probability will not be an issue.

My second issue with this instruction is the mention of cooking oil. Unfortunately, you offer no guidance as to which sort to use and you only have to watch all the cookery programmes on daytime TV to realise that such oil is available in umpteen different forms. Alas despite recent research I have not heard a celebrity chef advise the viewer along the lines of ‘This oil is great for roast potatoes, drizzling on salads, frying and for lubricating an enema pipe prior to shoving it up your chutney chimney.’ So what type of oil should be used? Before you give your answer, bear in mind that when I am in the foetal position on the examination table, I could really do without the Consultant using the phrase “That reminds me – I must get some chips on the way home.”

Your instructions then progress to a point where you state ‘Insert the nozzle as far as is comfortable’ and ‘You may find that you do not use all the fluid in the sachet’. Now, addressing the latter statement first, I would say that your remark states the bleeding obvious because judging by the size of the sachet, you have confused me with a North American bison.

The former statement puzzles me on various levels. If you recall your own text up to this point in time, I will be lying on a towel on my left side in the foetal position, in close proximity to a lavatory. No doubt I will also have the cat staring at me in complete bewilderment or thinking that Daddy is playing a strange game of Find The Toy with him. At this stage, I will have also been forced to dislocate my right shoulder in order to manipulate your device with anything resembling dexterity. I think it’s fair to say that I will already be in a state of some discomfort and forcing a nozzle up Lavender Valley will do bugger all to improve the situation.

I simply do not understand your term ‘as far as is comfortable’ and require some clarification. Speaking as a heterosexual man, I can assure you that inserting anything in the primrose pipe does not conjure up any state of comfort at all. Nirvana is simply not in that direction. Am I to assume that there will be discomfort from the outset but somewhere along the way I will suddenly enter a state of physical bliss? Also, I am not a medical professional and know nothing about where the various components of my internal workings start and finish. In other words, if I do not reach the point of comfort you mention then how far should I go? Would I be right in thinking that if I coat the cat in laxative solution then I will have not journeyed far enough into my workings and if I feel my dentures move then I’ve overcooked the procedure somewhat?