Inside a Depressive Episode

Depression affects us in many ways and everyone has their own story to tell. Much like anxiety, it is very hard to explain to a non-sufferer what a depressive episode feels like and what goes around inside your head. These are just a few words I threw together whilst inside a recent episode of my own. Apologies if they are a bit disjointed but that’s kind of how it is. If they strike a chord with anyone then take heart – you are not alone.

I see nothing good in the world today and I don’t care about anyone in it, especially myself. I am just a piece of meat that everyone pecks at. “Can you do this for me? Can you do me a favour? Could you fix this for me? This bill is due, that bill needs to be paid soon. I’m in trouble – can you help me?” Just greedy gulls picking at my flesh until they are satisfied and I am used up. I don’t matter one tiny little bit. “Other people are worse off than you!!” I know that but f*ck ’em, I don’t care. Today I can’t care about the poor, the old, the sick and the disadvantaged. I can’t tolerate thinking about how the people in power are screwing us all and ruining the country. I can’t bear that load today so I try my best to close the door and shut it all out. Somehow it all seeps through and gets into my skin. I try to focus on something positive but I can’t find a damned thing, not one. There are clouds and fog in my head and my brain has slipped into Neutral gear. My thoughts have no traction but I have to work and think and function. It’s hard to do that when it feels like every fibre of myself wants to give up.

I have thoughts of suicide and the aftermath but I’m not suicidal – I’m afraid more than anything. In my mind I’m there, after the deed, invisible, watching to see if anyone really cares. I just want 8 hours of restful dreamless sleep, to quash the internal monologue, halt all these thoughts, stop the runaway train and let me feel peace – sheer complete peace of mind.

The sun shines but today it doesn’t make the world a better place to be. I’ve just watched the TV news. Humans are insane, selfish, cruel and vile. People fight over cut-price TVs or the last loaf of bread on the shelf. We kill the beauty around us. Humanity has become self-obsessed and greedy. People live by Poundland morals. They take out their phones to record tragedy, violence and distress instead of offering help. A good post or going viral means more to them than getting involved. Everywhere you turn there is someone trying to rip you off. The world is ugly today and I want no part of it – no interaction with anyone, nothing.