Boy George once said that he’d much rather have a nice cup of tea instead. John Lydon – or Johnny Rotten as he was at the time – referred to it as ‘Two minutes and fifty seconds of squelching noises.’ So is doing the horizontal quickstep really worth all the fuss?
As a middle-aged bachelor, I am often asked if I miss ‘physical things’ and I have to say that in all honesty, I don’t. Certainly, Old Hector will still twitch
There are men who pay for putting the magic wand up the wizard’s sleeve. From what I can gather, this can range from –
A) Spending your mortgage on 5 minutes with some bleach-blonde Eastern European ‘babe’ who has applied her make-up with a trowel.
to B) Paying a fiver for a quick wristy in a manky alleyway somewhere from a drug-addled toothless Terrahawk straight from the Jeremy Kyle Show. Hmm, now let me think…nope.
So if the act isn’t to be cash-and-rash, this means conversing with someone i.e. in order for the tuna chimp to eat the banana, some basic form of relationship has to be made. Problem alert – as we all know, other people are a complete pain.
Say that I overcome that barrier and arrive at the event itself. This is where the physical effort really begins and I’m not sure it’s worth the fuss. All that puffing, grunting and perspiration, then I finally get up the stairs. Then there is all that maintenance to consider; you have to oil the chains, keep the leather supple, make sure the handcuffs are…….oh, that’s just me then.
So many fluids and faffing around involved for a fleeting moment of ecstasy and pulling a face like you’ve been tasered. There is also the risk that contraception will fail and before you know it, you’re milling around the supermarket with other parents on a Saturday morning, all looking like they have sprung a leak and the life force is slowly escaping from them. Even people you once knew to be normal and got on with, suddenly become the biggest bores on Earth. One minute they were fine and like some weird take on the movie ‘Invasion of the Bodysnatchers’, they went to sleep one evening and woke up as a different species.
I’m kind of with Boy George on the merits and benefits of the physical act., although in my case I’d swap the cup of tea for a good film and a nice cuddle on the sofa with Olga Kurylenko or Emilia Clarke thanks. Add in some cider and crisps and we’re talking Nirvana, sheer bloody Nirvana.