Dear Europe….

To the people who govern the European Union.

Look, we’re terribly sorry about all the confusion and ineptitude of the people who are supposed to represent us. It’s not really the fault of the British people so please don’t think that our Parliament is an true measure of what we are like in reality. Yes, I know that they were elected by some of us but anyone can make a mistake eh. We had no idea that they were so utterly useless.

As a nation, we are utterly sick of this Brexit business and I’m sure you’ve had enough of it too. I voted to remain part of the EU but when the referendum vote was taken, people like myself had no option but to go along with democracy. We thought our politicians would have the skill and nous to carry out the will of the people and find a way to make both sides happy. Unfortunately, the process was left in the hands of people who used it for their own ends. All the political and career manoeuvring started and is still going on, with the result being a shameful mess. I’d apologise but I don’t see why I should do so on their behalf.

Look, this is how I see it. I know there is more to the situation than I’m about to detail but from keeping my ears open, I’d say the following is a fair assessment of what we would like to achieve.

  1. We want to trade freely with you. You are our nearest and biggest market and it makes no sense to lose jobs on both sides of the channel because everyone gets a Trump on and starts to slap stupid tariffs on the other party’s products. If this means we have to pay into a kitty or buy a licence to do so, then that’s OK – so long as you don’t take the piss on the price.
  2. Our infrastructure is under great strain. We have people using food banks because of the austerity measures those independently wealthy Tory knobs imposed on us. We have a homelessness crisis, a social care crisis, an NHS crisis – you get the picture. It makes no sense to just allow more people into the country if they aren’t going to benefit it in any way. So, we would like a bigger say in who is allowed to come here. I think that’s fair.
  3. We would like to continue to share all the databases we currently do for such things as law enforcement and anti-terrorism operations. It’s something of great mutual benefit and should be put above and beyond any negotiations – wouldn’t you agree?
  4. Ireland is a big sticking point but I’m sure the greatest political minds in Europe can come up with something acceptable to everyone. If/when we leave the EU, what’s to stop us saying “OK Eire, we like you so let’s not bother with a border eh? Let’s go mad and break the rules in the name of good relations!”
  5. I admit that there are a few people on this island who have a sort of “We want nothing to do with Europe” mentality. People like Nigel Farage bang on about this sort of thing but please just ignore him. He’s been happy to take European money whilst being a so-called MEP and he’s minted because of it. He rarely votes or does any work and anyone with more than one brain cell hates the guy. So, please just ignore the two-faced, frog-eyed twat.
  6. We don’t like being ruled from a foreign country. I know that some of the ideas Brussels has come up with over the years have been good for us and some not so good. The plain truth is that we are already governed by a useless, remote bunch of idiots in Westminster who are out of touch with the people they are supposed to serve. It makes no sense to pass all the power to another bunch of idiots who are even more removed from everyday life here in Britain. It would be like Brussels passing all its powers over to a group of goat herders in Nepal – a daft idea isn’t it?

That’s kind of ‘it’ really. I know that there is a lot of old gammon in this country which keeps banging on about how previous generations liberated Europe from Nazi tyranny blah-de-blah-de-blah and we don’t owe you anything. I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon – I want to make it a little more succinct and personal, if I may.

I keep hearing EU politicians saying that Britain is asking for too much. Like most people, I don’t know what the Government has actually asked you for!! Nobody gives us much information at all – I have yet to hear the Prime Minister actually explain what her ‘deal’ is!! I have a simple request for those EU politicians. If they feel that I/we are asking too much of you, would they mind having a chat with one of my great uncles? He’s in a war cemetery near Bayeux. I hope that on seeing his headstone they might re-evaluate their idea of what is too much to give.