Birthday Dilemma

Another birthday approacheth this weekend and I could do with some advice. I need a toy, a treat to help me try and ward off the dark clouds gathering in my head and general feeling of ‘meh’. The problem is that I don’t know what form that treat/toy should take. I’ve been giving it lots of thought and have detailed my investigation below but alas, I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.

A new watch – I have a drawer full of watches already, on top of the 6 or 7 I’ve cherry-picked and keep on my bedside table. A tad freakish I grant you but everyone has their quirks. I’ve acquired so many watches that I’m currently trying to flog several of them on eBay. I did think about a smartwatch and got a couple of cheap ones from Amazon for investigation. I’ve sent both back as they had several failings.

For starters, I’m not always wearing my glasses but at a glance, I can just about make out the position of the hands on a conventional timepiece. The displays on the smartwatches I tried could be either analogue or digital but despite being pin-sharp they simply weren’t bold enough for my non-pin-sharp eyes to cope with. All I could see were very pretty blobs of colour and then only after shaking my wrist as if I had some kind of physical tic. Neither display would remain visible all the time and by the time I had shaken my wrist and tried to focus my eyes, the displays would shut off.

They also came with ‘manuals’ which employed a font size that only a bloody kestrel could read. Another problem is that the main purpose of these things revolves around fitness i.e. measuring how many steps you take each day, monitoring your vital signs whilst participating in any number of pre-defined sports, etc. For someone who spends most of his life at a desk or on the sofa, the functionality was utterly pointless. One of them even came configured with a ‘Sedentary’ reminder which would emit an alarm if it thought I’d been idle for too long. For a birthday pressie to myself, I didn’t see the benefit of continually shouting ‘fuck off!!’ at my wrist.

New car – ‘tick’

New PC – ditto

Laptop – ditto

Tablet – already have two

Hi-Fi – no need

Replacement body parts – beyond budget, ethically dubious, physically impossible, or a combination thereof.

A new mobile phone – I already have 2 perfectly usable spares gathering dust on a shelf in my box room. My current Moto g5 is adequate for the kind of needs I have, despite being 3 or 4 years old. I don’t use it for email, gaming, Facebook, or anything else really – just calls, text messages, and taking photos of cats or watches that I want to sell on eBay.

A ‘smart’ assistant – Alexa already lives in my bedroom and living room. She’s not much of a conversationalist, to be honest, and can do little by way of entertainment or cheering me up. Besides, sometimes she just doesn’t understand me. I was doing a crossword recently and asked her for the capital of Morocco and the silly cow started telling me about the origin of maracas. I think her hearing is worse than mine.

‘Things’ for the house – Unfortunately, despite an extensive search of the Web, I cannot find a company that will wire my front gate to the National Grid or is prepared to install a machine gun nest on top of the porch. The option of renting a leopard to sit outside my front door was beyond my budget, unfortunately. I don’t need a new toaster, kettle, or any other kitchen appliance but I might do shortly as I have just dared to praise their reliability.

I did think about a new cooker as mine is a bit shabby but then I am no chef. Its sole purpose in life is to warm things up and provide me with four burners so that I can stir-fry veggies or warm-up tins of ‘things’. It wouldn’t be worth the money or fuss and in terms of a birthday gift to myself, it would rank only just above smacking my forehead with a claw hammer.

An hour with a gorgeous Russian escort – it’s a nice thought but I’m far too shy and self-conscious to attempt such an encounter. Couple that with the usual social anxiety and I’d fall to bits as soon as she crossed my threshold. Then there would be all the panting and sweating and when I finally reached the top of the stairs, there would be the sex act to contend with. It’s been so long now that I can’t even remember who handcuffs who and the last packet of condoms I bought only displays the instructions in Latin and hieroglyphs.

Frankly, if her company were half decent, I’d much prefer that she helped me with the hoovering, opened a couple of beers, and cuddled in to watch a good film.

A cocaine frenzy – not really an option. I’ve never been one of those people you sometimes meet who knows shady characters with connections to suppliers of ‘stuff’, whether it be gig tickets, back-of-lorry goods, or Class A’s. Besides, if I wanted to feel hyper and talk bollocks I’d simply go outside without having taken my medication.

Comfort food – Well, I don’t really want to go there. Having lost 42 lbs, maintained the same weight for 6 months, and dropped my blood sugar back into the ‘No Longer Being a Twat’ zone, I would rather not chance it. I’ve not had a pizza for 18 months or so now and I fear that ‘just the one’ would soon multiply and it wouldn’t be long before I’d be licking the pizza preparation counter in Sainsbury’s and entering The Priory for ‘meat feast’ addiction.  

A case of fine porter/stout and staring at the wall (again) – seems the most likely option at the moment.

Any advice appreciated.